Boring Blog

Monday, September 25, 2006

Maybe My Last Party

Saturday night was the official Jamesapalooza! I believe this was the 4th annual, but my first. I must say partying with the work crew is much more fun than one would think. Looking in from the outside this group looks pretty quiet & sorry guys, but boring. Boy if the outsiders just knew of the secrets that are told, the fun that is had, and the alcohol that is drank!!! I always have a good time when going out with the work crew. Because we always make a pact to keep things that happen at the party, at the party I will not give any details. Unfortunately there was a video camera & lots of pictures being taken. This could be detrimental to others if this would get out!!

**WARNING – Personal information about to be revealed**
**DISCLAIMER – I’m not writing this to get advice or because I’m in some deep dark place in my life. I’m writing to vent for me. No need to comment on my post or to me personally afterwards. If you feel led to say something, please do so in a nice, non-judgmental way.**

I arrived home from Jamie’s party at a little after 1am. I walked into a dark, quiet house. I headed straight to the bathroom to get ready to hit the sack. I then walk in my bedroom & my husband was sitting on the bed in the dark. I jumped cause he scared the crap out of me & he says very sarcastically “Did you have a good time?” Ok so at this point I realize he’s not happy with me so how do I answer this question. Ok, let’s try answering with a question, “What’s wrong with you?” “What’s wrong with me? What do you think is wrong with me?” Ok so I can see this is just going to be a bunch of questions answering questions screaming match. And he continues to yell at me, “Where have you been for the last 8 hours?” “At Jamie’s!” “What were you doing for 8 hours?” “Having fun!” I really didn’t know how to answer these questions. He was obviously VERY pissed off that I was coming home so late & there was nothing I could say to make this better or make him not be so upset. So I tell him that. “I can’t fix this, I don’t know what you want me to do.” He says that I need to take responsibility for my actions. Ok so what the hell does that mean? What actions? What did I do that I need to take responsibility for? I’m not about to actually say these things out loud, but I really don’t see that I did anything wrong.

Let’s jump back a few days before the party. I tell my hubby that there is another work party. He rolls his eyes at me & says nothing. So I ask him if he wants to go. He’s irritated just because I brought it up. He says, “You go, I’ll watch the kids!” So at this point, I just dropped it. A few days later I mention it again. Again, I ask him to go with me. He said that all we talk about is work & that he won’t know what’s going on & won’t have any fun & again tells me to go without him. He does have a point about talking about work. We do do this a lot. But this particular party had conversations about everything from work & past parties to religion. So Saturday rolls around & he knew that I wanted to go to this party & he told me numerous times to go without him. So at 4:30 I left alone!

Ok back to 1 am… He accused me of everything you can possibly imagine & then tried to say he was worried about what might have happened to me. “Ok so if you were so worried why didn’t you call me? I had my cell phone in my pocket all night!!” “I shouldn’t have to call you!” Ok, so again I can see I’m getting nowhere here & this just needs to stop. I really felt like he just wanted to fight with me. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I just wanted to go to sleep. So a few other things were screamed back & forth & this ended with him going downstairs to sleep on the couch.

Sunday morning comes way too early. I get up & he’s nowhere in sight. His truck is in the driveway so I know he didn’t leave me. I figure he’s outside working on the house…STILL!! Sunday morning was so long & quiet. I had to talk to him first when his mom called for him. I had to take the phone to him outside. He walked in the house & said I have to go let mom in, she locked herself out. And he’s gone. This was around 11:30. He didn’t come home until after 2. I had no idea where was. I tried to call but he didn’t answer his cell. I knew he was still mad so I just left it go. So he finally arrived home & he asked me to help him hang some shutters upstairs. I almost fell out a second floor window!! He said if he’d been thinking quickly enough he would have pushed me!! Isn’t that just wonderful?!?! Such a loving relationship I’m in. Ok, the house is done except for painting the foundation!! He didn’t eat dinner with us, and he still didn’t really talk to me. Evening comes around & I put the kiddies to bed. He goes to bed to watch football. I started to write this post but just couldn’t do it. I tried to talk to him & make up but he just wasn’t interested. Then he says, “You know you are just a selfish, spoiled brat!” He’s told me before that I’m spoiled. And yes I am. Is there anything wrong with that? I never thought so. I like things to go my way, doesn’t everyone? Does that make me a bad person or a bad wife? Then he brought up the class reunion thing! Oh gosh, here we go again! Then he just said, “I don’t want to fight about it. Just go to sleep.” And we did.

So now what? I’m just a selfish, spoiled brat? What am I supposed to do with this? Just drop it or fight about it or try to change? Do I want to change? I look at my relationship & I think is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life? Am I really happy? I have so much to be thankful for. I have 2 great kids & I wouldn’t give them up for anything. So why doesn’t all this make me feel happy & complete? Then I think I made these decisions, I have to live with them. And its really ALL my fault. I was the one that wanted all these things. I wanted everything I have. Be careful what you wish for? I was the one that wanted to get married. Rob didn’t want to. I kind of gave him an all or nothing ultimatum, so we got married. Then I wanted to have a baby. He didn’t want to, so we had a baby. Then I wanted to have another baby. He didn’t want to, so we had another baby. Ok, so maybe I am pretty spoiled. I remember making the statement when I was about 21 that I was too selfish to have kids. At least when I was 21, I knew that. So at 24, I suddenly became unselfish enough to have a baby? I feel bad that I want to get away from my husband & my kids sometimes & have a good time. Does that make me selfish or a bad mother or wife? Rob said that even though I asked him to go to the party with me, I really didn’t want him to. And this is probably ½ true. I don’t want him to go if he’s just going to be miserable all night & not have any fun. But I do want him to go just so he can see what happens at these parties. For the most part, they are innocent. He may not have been completely happy with some of the things that I did at the party, but I probably would have done them even if he was there. He knows how I am. Heck, that’s probably why he asked me out to begin with!! But my feelings are if he didn’t want me to go, why did he tell me to? Why talk in circles & say things you don’t really mean? Just be honest.

I did get some interesting marital advice from 2 single guys at the party. One of them said that everything in our relationship right now is a test. And this is probably true. But if we know this, then why do we keep doing things to fail the others tests? I knew that Rob didn’t really want me to go to this party. But I went anyway more for spite than for myself. Our 5th anniversary was on Friday. He didn’t even get me a card. He knows how I am about important dates & cards. He just says, “You know I don’t do cards. Cards are such a waste of money!” My husband is very cold & not affectionate at all. If I had the option to change ONE, only one thing about him it would definitely be this. I’m a typical girl, I like it when I get attention & fussed over!! Why is it when you’re first dating the guy does all kinds of nice things, then when the relationship gets comfortable all the romance is gone? I’m not sure my relationship ever had romance, but we did have fun & Rob did do nice things for me. He used to say to me that I acted a lot older than I am. He said I didn’t want to go out & have fun. So now that I am going out & having fun, its wrong. Wrong because its not with him or just wrong? I do want to go out & have fun with him, but he just isn’t interested. I’m trying to be open-minded & see both sides of this, but its very difficult. I guess if I want to save my marriage & make it another 5 years, I need to stop going to the after work events. If given the choice to choose my family or friends, I would definitely pick my family. But why do I have to choose? I feel like I’m too young to be old.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Cut The Grass??

My hubby has been working on our house. So the other night as he's hanging from a ladder, he says to me, why don't you cut the grass? Are you crazy? Me? Cut the grass? Let me give you a really short description of myself...I don't like outside! I don't do outside things. I prefer to just be inside & do inside things! This sounds really funny to those who like doing outside activities, but its my mom's fault. She's not an outside person either, so I was sheltered as a child!! Always blame the parents.

The first time I cut grass was probably 5 years ago. Cutting the grass was my brother's job when we were kids & then eventually my step-dad took it over. My mom didn't do it, so neither did I. So one day my husband said I had to do it. So I fired up the lawn mower & start pushing. About 2 rows into it he says "your lines aren't straight!" So that was it for me. I walked away & vowed to never touch another lawn mower.

Well the other night I broke my vow. He's been working hard on our house & he asked me to help him out & cut the grass. At first I was thinking no way, that's your job. You have the outside & I have the inside. Ok so sometimes he helps out inside so maybe I should help outside. Ok, I'll do it. How do I do it? My yard is fairly small & somewhat level. So its shouldn't be too hard to do. So he gets out the mower & off I go. He walked by every once in a while to make sure I wasn't dying. It took me about 45 minutes & I did the whole thing!! I wanted to quit so bad about 1/2 way into it. But I kept going. I figured it was a pretty good workout & I felt great afterwards. I'll probably NEVER do it again, at least not if I can help it. And I'm sure it would not have lived up to Jim Barley standards, but it was cut & I felt like I accomplished something!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Learning To Be Mom

Tonight I went to open house at the Spring Cove Middle School with my hubby's niece. Her mom was working tonight & she wanted to go. My hubby didn't feel like going so that left me. I didn't mind, although I did feel a little out of place. I had been in the middle school before but not for a long time. I didn't know my way around so I was counting on her. Well turned out she didn't know her way around too well either!! We made many trips up & down the same hall, but eventually got to where we needed to be.

Then when I met her homeroom, language, and social studies teacher, she assumed I was her mother. I had my daughter with us & she asked her about her big sister. Of course Mackenzie looked at her & said "She's my cousin!" So then the teacher referred to me as Mackenzie's aunt, and again Mackenzie corrected her saying, "That's my mommy!!" Poor teacher!! I guess she should be used to odd family situations in this day & age, but you always assume the norm. So after we got the relationship situation corrected, the teacher begins to tell me that Cassie has missed 2 homework assignments. Well 2 doesn't sound too bad but they've only had 11 days of school. She also told me about a test she has on Friday that she should be preparing for & that she didn't do too well on the last test. Ok so what do I do with this information? I'm not her mother. I've been asking her each night if she did her homework & she says yes, so that's it. I assumed she knew what she was doing & she had it done. Well obviously I was wrong. So now what? I guess I step up to the plate & help the kid out.

So after the open house, we come home & start organizing. She has an organizer thing. So we went through that & she also has a 6th grade planner that she's going to use throughout the school year. The planner has a calendar in it with each subject on it & she's suppose to be writing down her homework assignments. She's been writing down the assignments but still not remembering to do them. So I told her to also write down if she has a test to study for. Now I guess I'm going to have to look at this planner each night & make sure she did everything that's listed on it. This took about 30 minutes this evening to go over everything. And then we discovered she did forget a writing assignment for social studies. So she was suppose to be in bed by 9pm but she needed to do this assignment. So it was about 9:30 til she got there. Hopefully she won't be too miserable & grouchy tomorrow!

I don't know how to be a mom to an 11 year old. Somedays I'm not sure I know how to be a mom at all, but usually out of somewhere instincts kick in & things seem to go ok. But I don't think I have my mom of an 11 year old instincts yet. I guess I'm going to have to learn this one. Well at least I should be prepared for when my kids are 11!! I don't want Cassie to do badly in school, but I don't want to hold her hand all the way either. She's only 11, but she needs to be independent. And then, there's the whole fact that I'm NOT her mother. Her mother is here, but she usually works at night so I guess that lets me to be the substitute mom. Then I have to also remember that I have 2 children of my own that also need my time. So now I'm a full time working wife, mother of a 4 year old, 11 month old, and sub-mom of an 11 year old...I'm still not getting a minivan!!!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Class of 1996

This year marked the 10 year anniversary since I graduated from high school. Gosh, where did the last 10 years go? I’m from a very small town, graduating with a class of 69 kids. So for us to have a successful reunion is not an easy task. My class was very segregated. Everyone had their own little cliques, and we haven’t stayed close over the years.

We had a 5 year reunion with about 30 people including guests. It was a last minute thrown together event, but it turned out ok. I was involved in the planning of the 5 year reunion, but wasn’t sure I wanted to do it again. Well it was about April & I got an email from a classmate asking me if we were going to plan a reunion for this year. Being the eager, want my nose involved in everything person I am, I said sure let’s do it.

So the organizing began…I contacted a few people that I knew were still in the area who I thought would have good input. We gathered up a group of 10 of us & started the planning. Things were going very smoothly. The planning went well, the money situation worked itself out, and I kept thinking “Wow, this is going to be great!” So everything is set for August 26th, at the Arena in Bedford, $20 per person. We mailed the invitations the first of July. By mid July, we had receiving 2 replies, both were unable to attend. So I’m thinking, “Come on class of ’96, what the heck is wrong with you?” Why wouldn’t you want to attend your reunion? Was my class that bad? Are people still holding grudges from High School? I didn’t understand. So I thought for sure we were going to have to cancel. At the last minute a few replies started to roll in & we were able to come up with 32 people attending, 20 classmates, 12 guests. Ok this is enough to have the reunion. So it’s a go!

So I take my hubby with me to my reunion. He did not go to the same high school as I did, but he agreed to go along & try to have a good time. We had to arrive early since I was pretty much running the show. People started arriving & it was pretty awkward & weird at first. Everyone just kind of stood around, almost like they were afraid to talk to each other. So I addressed the class with my committee at my side, thanking everyone for making the effort to be there. I would have liked to have told them about the snobby people who didn’t even have the nerve to send back their RSVP. Come on people, that’s just down right rude! Anyway, we start dinner, and people start drinking. After dinner the DJ started playing dance music. At first I thought the DJ was just a waste of money, but after a few people got a few drinks in them, people started dancing.

Everyone seemed to be having a great time, myself included, except my poor lonely hubby sitting in the corner with his arms crossed looking like he was ready to shoot the next redneck that came stumbling by with a beer in each hand. For those of you who know me, know that I’m a very sociable person. Now being sociable can be a great quality in a person, but for me sometimes it’s a weakness. I get caught up in social gatherings & sometimes lose site of everything except me & having fun. So I didn’t tend to notice hubby sitting in the corner because I was just dancing, drinking, and having a good old time with friends I hadn’t seen in years.

Now you can look at both sides of this story. First my side, I hadn’t seen these people in years. This is a once every 5 year event so why not let loose & enjoy the evening. I see hubby everyday. He doesn’t like to dance & he’s not very social, so why not enjoy myself. Its not my fault he can’t make the most of a bad situation and just have fun in spite of me. Then there’s his side, he didn’t know anyone there. I should have tried to include him. The evening didn’t end until midnight. I think he had worked that morning so he was tired. I should have taken the hint that he was ready to go when he went to the car without me around 11 pm & I finally went to look for him when the DJ stopping playing! OOPS! “Has anyone seen my husband? I may need a ride if he left without me!!”

Well he didn’t leave without me. He was sleeping in the car. But this made for a quiet ride home and a miserable next 2 days! So was I inconsiderate? Probably. Should I have spent more time with him? Maybe. Did he get over it? Yep. Will he remind me of it every chance he gets for the next 5 years? For sure. Did I have fun anyway? ABSOLUTELY!! Am I going to my next reunion alone? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Talk Too Much?

Sometimes I really just talk too much. Why do I put myself in awkward situations? I should be able to look ahead at where a conversation could go & say to myself, “No Lindsay, this is not the time or the place to bring this up!” But no, what do I do, just open up my big mouth & then put myself in a situation where I need to defend myself or try to make excuses. Do you ever wish you had an “undo” button for life? Well I did today at lunch. I made a comment quietly to grettab about my posting from the weekend. I tried to do it quietly because I just didn’t want to discuss the whole blogging topic with more people that don’t do it or don’t understand it. So then someone else asks “Oh were you blogging again?” Well yes, as a matter of fact I was. So what’s the big deal? And of course then its just rude for me to try to have a conversation with grettab & not include the entire group. I just wanted to ask her one little question that would have given me a simple answer. But no someone else had to overhear so this opened up the whole Lindsay’s weird cause she blogs thing. So then I had to explain my entire post to the entire group. I tried to just generalize it, but they weren’t following so then I had to give them practically a word for word run down of what it said…uuugghhh, if you want to know what I write about, just go find my blog & read it. Don’t make me talk about it all the time. Then of course this brings on more questions. “What’s a blog?” “Why do you do that?” “How do I find your blog?” “I read some blogs one time. They said weird things. I couldn’t read half of them & the ones I could read, I didn’t want to read.” SO DON’T READ THEM!!!! And don’t talk about them. Don’t make me feel like I’m a bad person or dirty because I do it. There’s nothing wrong with it. I mostly do it to make myself feel better. So I can feel like I’m saying things to someone without actually saying them. I’m venting & if you don’t want to listen, don’t read. Just let me do my thing & you do your thing & we’ll get along just fine. This whole thing would have never happened & I wouldn’t have gotten so irritated had I just kept my question to grettab to myself or for another time. I do stuff like this all the time. My mouth speaks before my brain thinks!! Oh well, it made for interesting & irritating lunch conversation. And if nothing else, it gave me something to post about…

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Why blog, Continued...

I mentioned in my previous Why Blog posting that I have been taking a lot of slack from people about becoming a blogger. Well the harassment continues. There are these 3 girls that work in a department just down the hall from me. One of them doesn't read blogs or really know much about them. One thinks blogging is pretty cool & has recently signed up to blogger so she can comment at times, but not create anything of her own. This is cool with me. She doesn't have a computer at home so I understand that she can't spend the time posting at work. The 3rd girl just reads blogs occasionally but doesn't comment. This 3rd girl has asked me questions from time to time about blogging. She has expressed that she really doesn't like being mentioned in blogs, even if its anonymous. I like to casually make a comment every once in a while about someone just so they know its them, but no one else may know who I'm talking about. And I think its funny if someone does the same to me. But for some reason she doesn't like it. So this is why I'm writing so much about her. I won't mention her name, but she knows who she is. The other 2 wanted to make my blog, so I thought they were cool enough to be blog worthy...this one is for you girls!!!