Maybe My Last Party

Saturday night was the official Jamesapalooza! I believe this was the 4th annual, but my first. I must say partying with the work crew is much more fun than one would think. Looking in from the outside this group looks pretty quiet & sorry guys, but boring. Boy if the outsiders just knew of the secrets that are told, the fun that is had, and the alcohol that is drank!!! I always have a good time when going out with the work crew. Because we always make a pact to keep things that happen at the party, at the party I will not give any details. Unfortunately there was a video camera & lots of pictures being taken. This could be detrimental to others if this would get out!!

**WARNING – Personal information about to be revealed**
**DISCLAIMER – I’m not writing this to get advice or because I’m in some deep dark place in my life. I’m writing to vent for me. No need to comment on my post or to me personally afterwards. If you feel led to say something, please do so in a nice, non-judgmental way.**

I arrived home from Jamie’s party at a little after 1am. I walked into a dark, quiet house. I headed straight to the bathroom to get ready to hit the sack. I then walk in my bedroom & my husband was sitting on the bed in the dark. I jumped cause he scared the crap out of me & he says very sarcastically “Did you have a good time?” Ok so at this point I realize he’s not happy with me so how do I answer this question. Ok, let’s try answering with a question, “What’s wrong with you?” “What’s wrong with me? What do you think is wrong with me?” Ok so I can see this is just going to be a bunch of questions answering questions screaming match. And he continues to yell at me, “Where have you been for the last 8 hours?” “At Jamie’s!” “What were you doing for 8 hours?” “Having fun!” I really didn’t know how to answer these questions. He was obviously VERY pissed off that I was coming home so late & there was nothing I could say to make this better or make him not be so upset. So I tell him that. “I can’t fix this, I don’t know what you want me to do.” He says that I need to take responsibility for my actions. Ok so what the hell does that mean? What actions? What did I do that I need to take responsibility for? I’m not about to actually say these things out loud, but I really don’t see that I did anything wrong.

Let’s jump back a few days before the party. I tell my hubby that there is another work party. He rolls his eyes at me & says nothing. So I ask him if he wants to go. He’s irritated just because I brought it up. He says, “You go, I’ll watch the kids!” So at this point, I just dropped it. A few days later I mention it again. Again, I ask him to go with me. He said that all we talk about is work & that he won’t know what’s going on & won’t have any fun & again tells me to go without him. He does have a point about talking about work. We do do this a lot. But this particular party had conversations about everything from work & past parties to religion. So Saturday rolls around & he knew that I wanted to go to this party & he told me numerous times to go without him. So at 4:30 I left alone!

Ok back to 1 am… He accused me of everything you can possibly imagine & then tried to say he was worried about what might have happened to me. “Ok so if you were so worried why didn’t you call me? I had my cell phone in my pocket all night!!” “I shouldn’t have to call you!” Ok, so again I can see I’m getting nowhere here & this just needs to stop. I really felt like he just wanted to fight with me. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I just wanted to go to sleep. So a few other things were screamed back & forth & this ended with him going downstairs to sleep on the couch.

Sunday morning comes way too early. I get up & he’s nowhere in sight. His truck is in the driveway so I know he didn’t leave me. I figure he’s outside working on the house…STILL!! Sunday morning was so long & quiet. I had to talk to him first when his mom called for him. I had to take the phone to him outside. He walked in the house & said I have to go let mom in, she locked herself out. And he’s gone. This was around 11:30. He didn’t come home until after 2. I had no idea where was. I tried to call but he didn’t answer his cell. I knew he was still mad so I just left it go. So he finally arrived home & he asked me to help him hang some shutters upstairs. I almost fell out a second floor window!! He said if he’d been thinking quickly enough he would have pushed me!! Isn’t that just wonderful?!?! Such a loving relationship I’m in. Ok, the house is done except for painting the foundation!! He didn’t eat dinner with us, and he still didn’t really talk to me. Evening comes around & I put the kiddies to bed. He goes to bed to watch football. I started to write this post but just couldn’t do it. I tried to talk to him & make up but he just wasn’t interested. Then he says, “You know you are just a selfish, spoiled brat!” He’s told me before that I’m spoiled. And yes I am. Is there anything wrong with that? I never thought so. I like things to go my way, doesn’t everyone? Does that make me a bad person or a bad wife? Then he brought up the class reunion thing! Oh gosh, here we go again! Then he just said, “I don’t want to fight about it. Just go to sleep.” And we did.

So now what? I’m just a selfish, spoiled brat? What am I supposed to do with this? Just drop it or fight about it or try to change? Do I want to change? I look at my relationship & I think is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life? Am I really happy? I have so much to be thankful for. I have 2 great kids & I wouldn’t give them up for anything. So why doesn’t all this make me feel happy & complete? Then I think I made these decisions, I have to live with them. And its really ALL my fault. I was the one that wanted all these things. I wanted everything I have. Be careful what you wish for? I was the one that wanted to get married. Rob didn’t want to. I kind of gave him an all or nothing ultimatum, so we got married. Then I wanted to have a baby. He didn’t want to, so we had a baby. Then I wanted to have another baby. He didn’t want to, so we had another baby. Ok, so maybe I am pretty spoiled. I remember making the statement when I was about 21 that I was too selfish to have kids. At least when I was 21, I knew that. So at 24, I suddenly became unselfish enough to have a baby? I feel bad that I want to get away from my husband & my kids sometimes & have a good time. Does that make me selfish or a bad mother or wife? Rob said that even though I asked him to go to the party with me, I really didn’t want him to. And this is probably ½ true. I don’t want him to go if he’s just going to be miserable all night & not have any fun. But I do want him to go just so he can see what happens at these parties. For the most part, they are innocent. He may not have been completely happy with some of the things that I did at the party, but I probably would have done them even if he was there. He knows how I am. Heck, that’s probably why he asked me out to begin with!! But my feelings are if he didn’t want me to go, why did he tell me to? Why talk in circles & say things you don’t really mean? Just be honest.

I did get some interesting marital advice from 2 single guys at the party. One of them said that everything in our relationship right now is a test. And this is probably true. But if we know this, then why do we keep doing things to fail the others tests? I knew that Rob didn’t really want me to go to this party. But I went anyway more for spite than for myself. Our 5th anniversary was on Friday. He didn’t even get me a card. He knows how I am about important dates & cards. He just says, “You know I don’t do cards. Cards are such a waste of money!” My husband is very cold & not affectionate at all. If I had the option to change ONE, only one thing about him it would definitely be this. I’m a typical girl, I like it when I get attention & fussed over!! Why is it when you’re first dating the guy does all kinds of nice things, then when the relationship gets comfortable all the romance is gone? I’m not sure my relationship ever had romance, but we did have fun & Rob did do nice things for me. He used to say to me that I acted a lot older than I am. He said I didn’t want to go out & have fun. So now that I am going out & having fun, its wrong. Wrong because its not with him or just wrong? I do want to go out & have fun with him, but he just isn’t interested. I’m trying to be open-minded & see both sides of this, but its very difficult. I guess if I want to save my marriage & make it another 5 years, I need to stop going to the after work events. If given the choice to choose my family or friends, I would definitely pick my family. But why do I have to choose? I feel like I’m too young to be old.